With everything going on in the United States right now, I felt that this week was the right time to “come out” on Facebook as bisexual. I had been thinking about it for several weeks, but didn’t really have the motivation or the right words to do it. After Trump won the 2016 presidential election I found the words.
This is exactly what I posted…
I guess I’m about a month late for “coming out” day, but I feel that now is a pretty good time to tell the world that I am bisexual. Its taken me a really long time to get to the point where I can say that. It seems almost like I don’t even need to say it out loud, but I do. I believe that sexuality is fluid and I am tired of participating in the bullshit binary that dictates you must be one of two opposites. Sexuality is a spectrum and you do not have to stay in one spot your whole life. Through education and allowing myself to be open to other possibilities, over the last year I have seen my view of sexuality (and my own sexuality) change drastically. Thank you to all my LGBTQ+ friends that have shown me alternate ways of being.
This week I have witnessed extreme vulnerability from strangers in my classes who have shared their stories and fears. We have cried alongside each other. Yes, it is a sad time, but I take solace in knowing that I am not alone. I will not support bigotry, sexual assault, racism, xenophobia, sexism, or any other form of discrimination or harassment. He is #notmypresident and I will do my best to protect those that do not have a voice. I hope you will do the same.
What followed was a barrage of support from all my friends. I didn’t expect to have any haters, so I wasn’t particularly scared to declare my bisexuality. Although, I did get a snarky comment from an old high school acquaintance who said “you never had me fooled”. Really fucker? I was never hiding anything. The arrogance of that comment drove me to block him, but trust me, that wasn’t the only reason I cut him out of my life.
One of my bisexual friends posted this…
A big hell yasss to all our bi kweens, kings, and nonbinary bisexuals. I am so proud of you!! As a proud bisexual femme I know it is REALLY HARD to claim your space as a bisexual human in the queer spectrum. But I love you and support you and am proud of you
Her comment really resonated with me, specifically when she said, “it is really hard to claim your space as a bisexual human in the queer spectrum“. I felt weird coming out as bisexual, because in a lot of ways, it doesn’t seem legitimate. I’ve heard people talk about this before but I never really understood it until now. I don’t feel gay enough to declare myself as queer. Perhaps I’ll get to that point someday, but I’m not there yet. Maybe part of the problem is that I haven’t actually been with a woman yet. I understand that statement might confuse you. Let me try to explain. I’ve always seen women as attractive, but I never allowed myself to be sexually attracted to a woman. I never wanted/or saw myself having sex with a woman.
A couple of months ago, I developed a crush on my Starbucks girl. I could tell she would get nervous when I came in and it was obvious that she liked me more than a normal customer. Usually I am OBLIVIOUS to women flirting with me, but her eyes couldn’t hide her feelings. This was around the same time I started school at UC Berkeley and I ended up moving about a month later. Needless to say, nothing ever happened between us. However, it did open my eyes to new possibilities. I am not attracted to every man in the world. I am also not attracted to every woman, but the point is, I am attracted to women.
This semester I am taking a Sociology class called Sexual Cultures, and it has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. My view of sexuality has shifted drastically. Since I was a kid I had been fed the narrative of people being “born this way”. It is understandable that the LGBTQ community has fiercely defended that notion, because it is the strongest defense against those that try to use conversion therapy etc. Although I still believe in aspects of people being born certain ways, I believe that the majority of us have the ability to be much more fluid with our sexuality. Sexuality for the most part is socially constructed/policed by those around us. There are many articles on this, and I encourage you to look into it further.
I guess you could say that my sexual life has culminated at this point. Every experience of coercion, assault, harassment, arrogance, disrespect, and feelings of being less than a man, have made me want to distance myself from this heteronormative culture. I no longer want to be part of the binary system in which I am required to be one of two opposites. The system which says I am not equal and that I have specific gender roles to play. Over the last couple years I began to realize that I was connecting less and less with men. It is extremely hard for me to be with a man who doesn’t understand a woman’s struggles. For god sake, I’m studying Gender and Women’s Studies. There is a large majority of men that don’t get it, or they will constantly try to challenge me. “Oh, you’re a feminist? So you hate men?” I just don’t have the fucking strength to deal with it and I’m tired of watering down my opinions.
Lesbian porn has also helped shift my sexuality. I never liked porn before. Most pornography that I had watched in the past, consisted of a man violently thrusting into a woman from behind. There was no love, no emotion, no passion. It was just sex, and it was fake and seemed violent/aggressive to me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with fucking as long as you get pleasure from it. I guess the porn that I had seen didn’t connect with me or what I like in bed. It was for this reason, that I never watched it. Ever…until now. I started by innocently watching some lesbian YouTube videos in which women were kissing. I was turned on. I started looking for photos of women together. I was turned on. Then I searched for lesbian porn. I was really turned on. Granted, there are still a lot of videos that I don’t like. I especially hate the ones in which men are watching, or men are talking from behind the camera. I seem to lean more towards the amateur home-made videos. I like that they are real. The reason why I bring up porn is because it has really helped me process some of the fear I feel. I am scared to be sexual with a woman after having lived my whole life only dating men. I may have a vagina, but that doesn’t mean that I know how to pleasure other women. It makes me feel inadequate. Most importantly, porn has allowed me to fully accept my attraction to women and realize that I do want to pursue those feelings.
I could have gone on with my life identifying as heterosexual and dating women in secret, or not dating them at all. I could have stayed under the fluffy blanket of heterosexual privilege and enjoyed all that it has to offer. That is the life that many lead. I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. I can’t date a woman unless I am comfortable and honest with myself. At the same time, declaring that you are different from the mainstream culture is a commitment. By declaring bisexuality you inadvertently step into a new world that has its own cultural baggage. I feel like an outsider, in-between gay and straight, not fully fitting in anywhere. I imagine it will get easier once I get more comfortable .
I chose this week to come forward and announce my bisexuality because I felt that it was an important time to stand up next to everyone else that happens to be “different” (A.K.A. not a straight white male). I wanted to make a very clear statement that I will not tolerate discrimination, xenophobia, sexism, harassment, assault, racism, ageism, disability discrimination, or anything else that Trump stands for. I wanted my friends and family to know that I am one of those people who are different.
Some people keep wondering why we are protesting the election. C’mon idiots, it’s not because we are sad that our own corrupt candidate didn’t win. It is because we feel PERSONALLY VICTIMIZED by the legitimization of everything Trump has talked about. He has legitimized grabbing women without their permission. He has legitimized blame and anger towards specific races, and specific religions. He is in a position of power (now the highest position) and his words make the feelings and actions of everyday citizens legitimate and OKAY. As a survivor of sexual assault, I am angry. As a survivor of a lifetime of sexual harassment, I am angry. As a witness of racial discrimination and hate, I am angry. You get the point. It is personal and it doesn’t have to do with politics. Except that I also think he’s an idiot and I am very worried about nuclear war – but that’s not where my anger is coming from – that is fear. I cant help but think, I’m glad I don’t have children yet.
To end, I’d like to share a YouTube video I came across today. It actually gave me some hope. I used to despise Russell Brand, but he has his moments. He talks about how the conditions were right for Trump to get elected, and that is the important thing to look at and address. I hope that the “significant change” Russell talks about is possible, because otherwise the rest of our lives could be pretty shitty. Damn, I hope we are overreacting.