Lately I’ve been having the same epiphany over and over. I keep trying to avoid it or forget its there, but the facts keep leading me back to the same reality; apparently I am an asshole and the only one who can stand me is my dog. Now, maybe that is a slight hyperbole, but trust me, I can back it up.
Now if you have read my past posts (of course you haven’t, nobody does) you know that I just moved to Oakland a few months ago and have been dealing with a lot of rejection ever since. The universe has basically shat on me and I cant take a hint. Its basically been screaming at me in the face and I just woke up.
The shitty thing is that I either have a pattern with relationships or maybe my expectations are too high. I rely on friends and lovers as my support system and often I dont feel as if they are there for me. Dont get me wrong, I have more than a couple close friends that I know truly care about me, but then again, they dont make much of an effort to keep in touch. They are also all in relationships and probably dont need to see their friends as often as I would like to see mine. I am most often the person that reaches out and tries to maintain a friendship. In fact, this has been my role for years and years, with many different friends. Its fucking depressing.
Last week I had to say goodbye to a really great guy. He’s leaving tomorrow to go on a 2-3 month trip across South America. I was trying to pretend that he liked me as much as I liked him, but I think he just liked the intimacy we shared. We never slept together, but were very physically loving. I think he liked not being alone, I recognize that.. Even if he was staying, hes not ready for a relationship. It makes me very sad.
I went on a date with myself last night. I went to Jack London Square in Oakland. I walked along the pier, looked at Christmas lights, took myself to dinner and cocktails, and then to a movie! I had so much fun. I had a HUGE smile on my face at the end of the night. It made me realize how amazing being single is. I dont have to worry about ANYBODY, just me. I really feel like I am not taking advantage of the time I have to work on myself right now. I have been investing too much energy in dating and superficial relationships. Dating makes me insecure, sad, and disappointed. From now on I am going to try re-directing that energy into a healthy happy place. I want to improve myself and involve myself in things that I really care about and are passionate about.
Given my track record, I doubt I will make it more than a week or two without meeting someone I want to date. I have terrible will power when it comes to romance.
Wish me luck.